Learnings from David Schnarch's Workshop
Recently, a number of PPI counselors attended a workshop given by Dr. David Schnarch, author of The Passionate Marriage, They came together to share what they learned. This is a synopsis of comments made by pastoral counselors Lex Baer, Dick Donnenwirth, Bob Heiliger, Kathy Krug and Judy Sherlock.
These were the most helpful concepts we took from the workshop. First, talk to your mate from the best part of yourself; this helps develop a more mutually gratifying tone in the relationship. Secondly, self-validated intimacy is vital and more healthy than other-validated intimacy. In other words, one who gets his validation from what the partner tells him relies on a reflected sense of self. A healthier differentiated self can self-soothe, be her own person and tolerate another's anxiety without getting too anxious.
Schnarch encourages various techniques that support self-differentiation. One is "hugging until relaxed." Couples may hug for 5-15 minutes. This feels frightening at first because one becomes vulnerable; however, it is an act in "holding onto oneself." Open-eyed sex is another technique. It encourages a couple to let themselves be vulnerable and "seen" in more than physical ways. Counselors admitted that since the workshop, they have been much more comfortable in dealing with sexual issues and more willing to confront but be respectful.
From Schnarch's book The Passionate Marriage, counselors particularly valued the four points for a successful marriage which are: 1) having a clear sense of self; 2) knowing how to self-soothe; 3) having a non-anxious presence when the partner is anxious; 4) developing the ability to tolerate painful growth.
The concept of differentiation is of primary importance. This means differentiation, not only from spouse or partner, but from family of origin as well. In other words, who am I as separate and distinct from another? Perhaps it also applies to counselors in their not being overly concerned about being liked. Sometimes it is appropriate for a counselor to increase the anxiety or allow anxiety to increase at the beginning of the session followed by resolution and a decrease of anxiety at the end of the session to model the differentiation process.
It may be prudent for pastors to encourage couples not to marry when they see lack of differentiation in the partners. The ministers in the support group at PPI admit they have suggested this to couples, but are usually un-successful. However, encouraging individual counseling for both partners has shown to be very helpful.
Schnarch's method may work well with individuals and thus establish a foundation for a more stable marriage. When differentiated, partners promise themselves to be faithful to themselves - something quite different from the usual marital counseling position. Each partner writes a relationship vision; then they compare and integrate the two.
Schnarch's own style may be shocking at first. But his principles are sound: the emphasis on differentiation, relating to one's partner from one's best self, committing to change what needs changing, the importance of self-validation and self-soothing, and "open-eyed" sex. The goal is greater health.
Pastoral counselor Joan Groff feels that David Schnarch's concepts of differentiation along with the ability to self-soothing and the ability to appropriately confront has indeed been helpful to her in individual counseling as well as couple counseling. The idea of holding onto oneself in situations of stress or fear stabilizes clients when they are dealing with any relationships - personal or work-related. The other factor that made Schnarch's book so believable for Joan was his honest use of personal examples from his own marriage. He and his spouse have worked through difficult and painful situations and have a more solid marriage as a result.
Choice Theory
Dr. William Glasser calls this the new psychology of personal freedom. Here are the 10 axioms of his theory as presented in the book Choice Theory:
- The only person whose behavior we can control is our own. When threatened with punishment, we don't perform well.
- All we can give or get from others is information. How we deal with that in-formation is our or their choice.
- All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
- The problem relationship is always part of our present lives.
- What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today, but revisiting this painful past can contribute little or nothing to what we need to do now: improve an important, present relationship.
- We are driven by 5 genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun. These needs have to be satisfied. They can be delayed but not denied. Only we can decide when they are satisfied. We can help others, but we can never satisfy anyone else's needs, only our own.
- We can satisfy these needs only by satisfying a picture or pictures in our quality worlds. What we choose to put into our quality works is the most important.
- All we can do is behave which consists of acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
- Behavior is designated by verbs: I am choosing to depress.
- All total behavior is chosen, but we have direct control over only the acting and thinking components. WE can, however, control our feelings and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
Reprinted with permission from the Fall 2000 edition of PPImprints, the Journal of The Professional Pastoral-Counseling Institute, Inc. To be notified when PPImprints is published, please register.
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