Pre-Marital Counseling
by, LPC
Most pastors today perform many wedding ceremonies each year. This is one of the most joyous parts of their ministries - launching new couples into a faith-filled union. It also necessitates preparation, which can sometimes require a great deal of time and energy. If it is more than pastors are able to do, given their demanding schedules, I would suggest they refer to a pastoral counselor.
I have found in my work with couples preparing for marriage, that a format of up to eight sessions works well. In the first session I spend time getting to know the couple - what attracted them, how long they’ve dated, - and a brief look at their families of origin. At the end of that session, I administer the PreMarital Inventory, (PMI), put out by Intercommunications Publishing, Inc. in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. This is a 150 question instrument which measures couples compatibility in these ten areas:
- interests and activities
- role expectations
- personal adjustment
- interpersonal communication
- religion and philosophy
- marriage expectations
- family issues
- finances
- children
- sexuality
Couples answer each question whether they agree on an item, disagree or are unsure. The agreement is measured against the PMI’s suggested response, determined by what has been most often answered by the thousands of couples taking the inventory.
For example, one question states, “We agree on how we will handle savings and debts in our budget.” The usual answer is “agree.” If one person answers unsure or disagree, that’s a sure sign that either there is no agreement on this issue, or the couples has never discussed this. All of these highlighted answers become items for discussion.
In subsequent sessions, then, we discuss each subject category and the items for discussion in each. The amount of time spent on each subject, based on the number of incongruent answers, determines the number of sessions each couple will attend.
There is also a Re-Marital Inventory (RMI) that I use in cases where one or both of the couple has been previously married. This inventory addresses issues such as blended families and step-parenting. These couples find this particularly helpful because remarriages are often more complex and stressful than first marriages.
It is my experience that couples really value this time spent in preparation for the most significant commitment of their lives. Sometimes they need a bit of encouragement at first - they express concern about the time and money as they are planning their ceremony. Once they recognize counseling is a forum to be able to discuss some of the delicate subjects, they are grateful. On occasion a couple decides, during the process, to terminate their relationship. This, of course, is quite painful. But the breakup after marriage and children is significantly more painful and difficult.
For many years it has been known that the three areas for conflict between spouses were sexual issues, money and parenting. But the foundation for any relationship is the ability to engage in fruitful communication and problem solving. This is the main tension I see in almost all couples. Roles, too, often get intuited and never discussed. Furthermore any couple that has not shared their faith perspectives, will find their marriage often dry and meaningless.
Marriage is a covenant not to be entered into lightly. Love is the linchpin; these ten important areas that are the glue that turns the wheel and makes it solid.